8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
by onepowerball
Summary: RULE EIGHT: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
1. Rule 1

Title: 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 1

Author: Me

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: PG

Content: Nothing bad. All very light and nice.

Summary: Rule ONE!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how  
cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged?

Author's notes: Someone sent me one of those funny lists everyone gets in their emails. This one was called 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter. I thought they'd be fun to base around our favourite couple and their favourite child. So I used the rules and wrote a little ficlet around them. Hope you enjoy.

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

**RULE ONE: **If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

* * *

"It's okay Gil... It's just a date."

I feel I should let Cath know that this does NOT calm me. In fact I'm breaking out into a sweat at the mere thought. My little girl...on a date...my little Lindsey Bug...out with a...boy. Her first date. Ever.

"But Cath...she's only a baby!"

I know that this is technically not true. Lindsey is in fact 15, a teenager.

"What do we know about this kid?"

I don't know anything about this kid; he could be an axe murderer. I can see Cath rolling her eyes as she tells me again who this boy is that's taking away my little girl.

"His name is Dwight..."

Dwight...snort...his parents are probably first cousins...I bet he has a pet racoon and a moonshine distillary...

"He's a year ahead of Linds and his father is a minister..."

Oh God! My hands feel clammy. He's an older man. Probably been having sex orgies for years. And don't think I don't know that when he says his father's a minister, what he's really saying is that his father is the charismatic leader of a doomsday cult out in the Nevada desert. I bet they chant...

"They met in Linds' Advanced Science class..."

See that, he takes science. He's a drug dealer. He makes drugs during Chemistry class and sells his wares behind the gym at recess. I watch 60 minutes. I know what's happening in schools. I bet he smokes crack.

"He's on the track team..."

And steroids! He's some freakishly large muscle boy.

**HONK**

What was that? It can't be what I think it is that's for sure.

**HONK**

My wife's eyes dart to the living room window and I glance out and see the headlights on a car that could only belong to my daughter's drug dealing, moonshine swilling, cultist date. I peek at Cath through my narrowed eyes as I move toward the door.

"Now Gil, settle down. I'm sure he's just nervous, that's why he didn't come to the door..."

**HONK HONK**

I grunt and keep moving toward the door as my little princess comes running down the stairs. She stops as she reaches the bottom and stares as I stalk across the foyer dragging her mother who's still gamely clutching my arm trying to stop me from having a nice little chat with the young man outside.

**HONK**

My left eye is twitching, I can feel it. Lindsey's mouth has dropped open at my behavior but at least Cath is starting to send little annoyed glares towards the front door. I gently set her aside and grasp the bronze doorknob, giving it a quick turn before yanking the door open to find a boy leaning against the frame, his fist raised in a knocking pose. I stare at him as he waves a hand that holds a small bouquet of flowers at my daughter.

"Hey, what's the hold up?"

OH. HELL. NO. No way did he just say that to my beautiful little girl. I lean forward and snatch the flowers he holds in his limp grip and before the shock has even managed to settle in I grab the door and swing it shut with enough force to rattle 'Honk Boy's' teeth.

I quickly turn to my daughter and hand her the flowers.

"You look beautiful princess..."

I hear Cath sigh and watch as she walks towards me shaking her head. I let out a breath of my own before grinning at my wife and start towards the kitchen as I hear 'Honk Boy' drive off and my family stare at me as I pass. Brass told me that to watch as your little girl goes on her very first date ever is guaranteed the hardest thing you ever do as a Dad. I don't know. That wasn't too hard really. I may even let her bring a date to her thirtieth birthday party. Maybe. I'll let Brass know on Monday that he over exaggerates. I look over my shoulder as I near the kitchen and smile when I see Cath raise an eyebrow in question. I don't know why my wife was so worried. She was terrified that something was going to go wrong. I won't rub it in though. I step through into the kitchen and, reaching for kettle, I yell over my shoulder at my two favorite girls.

"Well! As first dates go, I think that one went rather well!"

The End :)


	2. Rule 2

Title: 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 2

Author: Me

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: PG

Content: Nothing bad. All very light and nice.

Summary: Rule TWO!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how  
cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged?

Author's notes: Someone sent me one of those funny lists everyone gets in their emails. This one was called 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter. I thought they'd be fun to base around our favourite couple and their favourite child. So I used the rules and wrote a little ficlet around them. Hope you enjoy.

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

**RULE TWO: **You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

* * *

"Soooooooo...who are you?"

I'm looking at my daughter's date sitting on the couch. He doesn't seem very impressed that he's in the house. He should be. I almost called dispatch to pull him over before he got here.

"Anthony"

Anthony? Anthony? What happened to 'Honk Boy'? At least this one came to the front door.

"Who are you? What happened to...Dwight?"

I hear a squeal behind me and turn to see a mortified expression on my little Lindsey Bug's face. My wife doesn't look too happy next to her either. What?

"Gil!" My wife looks gorgeous when she's pissed. "This is Anthony..."

Anthony. Pfft. What sort of name is that for a man? I bet he's an Italian lothario. Probably has a harem ...

"He's in the same year as Lindsey at school..."

Same year? I didn't hear anything about same classes. He's probably slow. Has to take all the special classes.

"His father is a chef at the Bellagio..."

A chef? But...they have knives! He probably dices up his dates and stores them in the Bellagio's super sized meat locker. I'm feeling light headed all of a sudden.

"Erm...Dad?"

I've got my head between my knees, taking big deep breathes and have to look up when Linds calls my name. She's looking a little worried. Probably because I've gone pale at the thought that my little girl is about to leave the house with the Italian Slasher. He's probably wanted all over Italy. Cath has moved to my side now and is rubbing her hand up and down my back in a soothing gesture. I love it when she does that. It makes me want to purr. Not that I would. A manly man doesn't purr. I bet Anthony purrs. I peek at him out of the corner of my eye and my body straightens when I see what he's doing.

His eyes are moving slowly up and down and I follow his line of site until it reaches my daughter. I resist the urge to grab the kid and throw him bodily out of the house. He's checking out my daughter! NOT IN THIS LIFETIME! My little Lindsey Bug isn't old enough to be checked out. Warwick checks out the dancers on the strip. Nick checks out Sara. I check out my wife. Constantly. This kid can check out his teacher for all I care, but he sure as hell ain't giving my little girl the eye!

"Hey!"

His eyes dart towards my narrowed glare, before he blushes bright red and lowers his face to gaze at the ground. Yes son, I saw what you were doing. You probably have peeping tom tendencies. You stand outside the windows of innocent girls at stare at them. I bet he's got a record. I'll check before I let them leave the house tonight. Lindsay moves towards the couch and sits next to her pervert date.

Cath has stopped rubbing her hand up back and has moved her hand towards the nape of my neck to play with the curls there. She loves doing that. I love it when she's doing that. It makes everything tingle. In a manly way of course. I think she's trying to distract me from the fact that our little baby is sitting only a couple of inches away from this kid. It's working...Dammit!

I sigh and put my arm around my wife's shoulders and pull her to my side. She smiles indulgently up at me when I peek down the front of her top. My wife is so hot. She's just gone stiff in my arms and I glance up to see a weird look on her face. I don't think I've seen this one before. It either means, 'my pervert husband wont stop looking at my perfect breasts' but I don't think it's that, Cath loves that I think she's the sexiest person on the planet. It could also mean, 'Eek! I've left the iron on!' it might be that one, I haven't seen that one yet. I open my mouth to ask what's wrong when I see out of the corner of my eye the reason my wife has gone so stiff in my arms.

That...BOY...has his arm across the back of the lounge and is leaning towards my daughter. He's whispering to her something that I can't quite catch, but his eyes aren't on her face. Oh no, his eyes are a good deal south of her eyes. I can feel Cath stroking my back again, but its no use this time. I lunge across the room just as this Italian Lothario Slasher Date From Hell moves his arm from the back of the lounge to my daughter's shoulders. I reach them in only two steps and lean over to grab him by the lapels, stopping him mauling my little girl. I hear her let out a little squeak. See, she's too traumatized to speak. Don't worry sweetie, Daddy's here. I won't let him hurt you.

I start towards the front door, dragging the kid behind me. I'm talking over my shoulder the entire time, telling him he should learn to keep his hands to himself and his eyes above the shoulder of all ladies, BUT especially my daughter. He shouldn't even be aware that there is anything below my daughter's neck. As far as he's aware there is only this big gap of space between my daughter's neck and the floor. Like Thing in the Addams Family.

I let him go once I open the door and he scurries out before I have the pleasure of tossing him out myself. He quickly jumps onto his motorcycle and races off the minute the engine roars to life. My eyes widen in shock, and I turn to my wife, my mouth open.

"He has a MOTORBIKE! Lindsey could have gone off on that thing and died."

Cath's eyes roll. I don't think she's taking this seriously enough. We could have lost our little girl. I grab my little Lindsey bug by the shoulders and look at her face. I can see by her face that she doesn't see how close she was to being...I gulp and pull her into a hug.

"Erm...Dad?...He rides a moped."

I shudder at the thought. He's probably in a bikie gang.

"I know Princess, its okay, your Mom and I won't make you go out with that biker hooligan."

I set her at arms length again and swallow convulsively before I manage to let her go. I grab my wife and pull her into a hug of her own, thanking my lucky stars that we all managed to get out of this with no one hurt. Slowly I pull back and dab at my eyes before moving towards the kitchen. I think after a close call with death like that we all need a hot a chocolate. I turn back to ask my girls if they want marshmallows with theirs, and see them looking at each other before Cath bursts into laughter. Poor thing. She's nearly hysterical with panic. I see Lindsey struggling to hide her giggles behind her hand and worry at the toll this night has cost my family.

"Lindsey Bug, do you want extra marshmallows? Will that make you feel better?"

If anything can. My little girl's probably scarred for life. I hear her snort and my wife clutches her stomach as her hysterical laughter continues at our daughter's show of fear.

"Sure Dad. Extra marshmallows would definitely make me feel better."

She's such a tough person. Just like her Mom. They'll be fine. But just in case I'll get the number of the Trauma Psychologist we have on staff at the lab. Just in case they need to talk to someone. I'll protect my family from Italian Bikers that carry knives, they don't have anything to worry about while I'm here.

The End :)


	3. Rule 3

Title: 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 3

Author: Me

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: PG

Content: Nothing bad. All very light and nice.

Summary: Rule THREE!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how  
cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged? Pretty please :P

Author's notes: Someone sent me one of those funny lists everyone gets in their emails. This one was called 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter. I thought they'd be fun to base around our favourite couple and their favourite child. So I used the rules and wrote a little ficlet around them. Hope you enjoy.

I keep forgetting to mention that I have no beta. So all mistakes are entirely mine.

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

**RULE THREE: **I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

* * *

"Who are you?"

Well this is new. This is the first of Lindsey's prospective dates to turn up in leather pants. What sort of person wears leather pants? Maybe he's a cowboy.

"I'm Guido."

Guido? I don't think there are any cowboys called Guido. Maybe he's a pop star, they wear leather pants. It would also explain his hair. I can feel Cath's hand on my arm. She made me promise that I wouldn't throw this one out the door. Apparently I'm getting a reputation at Lindsey's school.

"You must be Mr Grissom. Lindsey's step-father?"

Ohhh I hate how smug he sounded just now. Cath looks ticked. She's sitting next to me, leaning into my side. She always does that. Sits as close to me as she can. She says it's because she doesn't want to get cold, maybe I should point out to my beautiful wife that we live in the desert. Right now though she's glaring at our daughter's date sitting across from us.

"He's my Dad."

I look up at my little Lindsey Bug sitting next to Guido the pop star. She's smiling at me and I grin back at her. She explained to me a long time ago that she considers me her Dad in all the ways that count. But it's still nice to hear.

"Guido's new at my school Dad."

Probably had to leave his last school because too many questions were being asked. All those teenage girls disappearing on dates. I bet he drives something with lots of room in the trunk. He looks so smug because he's never been caught before. Well the jig is up my friend! Oh yes, you've run into professionals here. My wife and I solve crimes for a living and we just solved another one. I bet the Sheriff in your home town would just love to ask you a few questions.

"He's from New York."

New York? It's worse than I suspected. He's with the mob! Uh huh, he's probably got a nickname like 'two toes', he whacks his dates and just leaves them floating down river. I'll check with Brass, see if we've had a surge in missing persons. I'll tell him to look in all the lakes.

"His father's a mortician."

A mortician? His Dad sees dead people? Well this just keeps getting better and better. He doesn't need to drop his victims in the river, he just hands his father some business. Uh huh, that explains the leather pants as well. You see those aren't leather pants little Guido is wearing, oh no, that's human skin he's wearing. Yep, made from the skin of his victims, his father makes people-pants in the basement. His family portrait is at the post office; wanted in over 30 states I know it. Fabulous. I'll just let my little girl out with this kid. Yeah sure, let me get the door. I must not look too thrilled that my little princess is dating a mob hit man because Cath is squeezing my leg. But if she's trying to distract me...well she's just gonna have to move her hand a little higher.

"I'll just get my coat."

They're starting towards the door and I'm pretty sure I'm having heart palpitations. And what does the love of my life do? Does she hug me? Reassure me? Does she stop our little girl leaving? No. She goes and gets the camera. My little Lindsey Bug is actually going to leave this house with a boy. On a date. I think I'm whimpering. I'd better finish my chat with the boy before they leave...it might be my last chance to save my little princess.

"Now my daughter's going to be safe with you ISN'T she Guido?"

He looks confused. Oh God I can't believe we're letting our only child leave the house with this kid. Maybe I could fake a heart attack.

"Safe? Er...oh you mean SAFE? Yes Sir...I have...you know...protection in my wallet."

What?

What did he just say?

"So...you kids ready?"

Cath has just walked up behind me. Guess she couldn't find the camera. It's a pity. Someone's going to want a picture to identify the body.

"Cath?!"

I tried to bellow that but I'm pretty sure I only managed a squeak.

"CATH?! He's got a...a...a..."

Everyone's looking at me now. At least I have their attention. Of course it might be the twitch in my left eye. Or the fact that my teeth are bared and clenched. Or maybe it's the loud deep breaths I'm taking through my nose. I lunge out and grab Guido by his shirt front quickly taking the wallet out of his coat pocket. I flip it open and take out the little foil square, shoving the wallet back into his hands.

"My daughter is 15 years old. FIFTEEN YEARS OLD! The only protection my little girl needs from a date is ME! Understand?"

Where's my gun?!

"I...I'm sorry...it was only, just in case."

Just in case?

Just in case what?

Never mind. It's not important, I REALLY don't want to hear what his plans were for the evening. I start towards him and he keeps backing up until his back hits the door. A look of terror crosses his face while his hand searches frantically for the doorknob. He finally manages to grip the handle in his palm and flings the door open before throwing himself out the door, landing on the welcome mat face first. Wow, looks to me that boy's had some practice throwing himself out of a house before. Scrambling to his feet he looks like the road runner, his feet a whirl of activity, as he tries to catch his feet under himself in his hurry to get to the car.

I consider chasing after him, but I figure I'll just call dispatch and have them put an APB out on his car. I'll let them know that he has PROTECTION! Hopefully they'll think he has a gun and shoot him. I stalk back into the house and slam the door before striding over to my shocked daughter.

"You, are not going on another date until your thirty!...Maybe not even then!"

I move towards the kitchen, and behind me I hear a snickering Lindsey ask her mother.

"What's he mean ANOTHER date? I still haven't managed the first one!"

The End :)


	4. Rule 4

Title: 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 4

Author: Me

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: PG

Content: Nothing bad. All very light and nice.

Summary: Rule FOUR!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how  
cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged? Pretty pretty please :P

Author's notes: Thanks heaps for all the reviews, you guys rock my world! :P Hope you enjoy.

I keep forgetting to mention that I have no beta. So all mistakes are entirely mine.

Man! How hard is it to spell Chihuahua!?

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

RULE FOUR: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

* * *

I can't believe my wife made me promise not to talk to talk to Lindsey's date. It's not fair. I didn't even do anything.

"It's nice to finally meet you Mr Grissom. I've heard a lot about you. Lindsey talks about her Dad all the time."

Yeah? Well Linds hasn't said a word to me about you.

"My names Benjamin...but everyone calls me Benji."

Like the dog?

"Sooooo... What happened to your wrist?"

You know those non-slip bath mats? The ones that people put on the bottom of their showers, so that no one slips and falls over? Well all I can say about those bath mats is...non-slip my ass! There is nothing more embarrassing than having to call into work because you've just injured yourself in a bathroom accident. Actually there is. It's having to elaborate that the bathroom incident, included your seriously hot wife, half a bottle of shower gel and those aforementioned completely worthless non-slip bath mats.

"Must have hurt huh? Lindsey said you work with the police, did you have to smack around a suspect?"

What's with the questions? Maybe he's a tabloid journalist. Yeah, that'd make sense. I mean he's been here 5 minutes already and he hasn't even asked after Lindsey. All he's done is stand around asking stupid questions. Smack around a suspect. Who thinks like that? Maybe he's one of those paparazzi.

"I've been watching your daughter for a while now, working up the courage to ask her out."

Ah ha! I knew it! He's a stalker! 'Watching your daughter' is code for 'I've been following your only child for months, and I send love notes during class that look suspiciously like ransom notes. All the magazines in my house have pages missing and if you look closely you can see glue on my hands.' I wonder if Cath'll let me speak when it all comes out that Lindsey's date has been stalking her since the 3rd grade.

"I mean I wasn't watching her in a stalker way or anything."

Uh huh, that's what all stalkers say.

"I wasn't sure if she would go out with me. Some girls don't like a guy who looks too good ya know?"

Kid, you could model for Calvin Klein and still be the ugly half of any relationship with my daughter. Trust me; you'll get the same looks I get when I walk alongside Cath. People stare and I can't tell you how many folks have wanted to know why someone as hot as her is hanging out with a geek like me. Cath said I should walk around naked and they wouldn't ask. _Snicker_ I love my wife.

"They like all the attention to be on them, so they only go out with average looking guys. But Lindsey doesn't seem to mind. She looks good too, she must get that from her Mom."

Hey! I'm standing right here! I wish he'd stop looking at himself in the hall mirror and cower under the power of my glare like a good boy. And stop touching stuff! Just because it's sitting on a shelf it doesn't make it a supermarket. And those aren't canned goods you keep putting your grubby little mitts all over. If Cath sees you you're as good as dead. No one is allowed to touch her little miniature porcelain dog collection. We all learned that the hard way during the 'incident that shall not be named'. I wonder if I'm allowed to tell him to keep his hands to himself.

"Is this a Doberman? Did Lindsey tell you I'm a model? I'm famous for my smile, people love my smile."

Yes it's a Doberman. Yes those exceptionally white teeth will come in handy if the power ever goes out...And no I've never heard of you and Lindsey's never mentioned you. Now don't you feel special?

"Cool, nice Chihuahua. Although I think what people really like is my sense of style. My Pizzazz!"

Uh huh, I can see that. Your pants slide any lower and I'll be able to see your...er...pizz...azz. snort And trust me I don't want to see your style and neither does Lindsey. And if you try and show her your style I'll kill you. Don't touch the Chihuahua.

"Hey neat, it's got little toenails and everything. Do you think Lindsey would want to come to my photo shoot tomorrow at the beach? Make sure you check out the next K-Mart catalogue, I might even be able to get you guys a discount. I get my very own discount card for their clothes line."

Do my wife and daughter look like they shop at K-Mart? I have more shoes charged to my visa card than any other heterosexual male that I know. I said don't touch that.

"Gil honey, isn't that nice of Benji to offer?"

Exceptional. I'm sure he'd be a front runner for date of the year, if they'd only overlook his stalker ways. You'd think the panel of judges would fail to notice his latent pervert tendencies once they got a peek at his K-Mart discount card. At least he's finally turned away from the mirror. Although now that Cath is here, leaning against my side and slipping her hand into the back pocket of my Levi's, it's hard to care.

"Yep, I get a full 7.5 off. Maybe if we have time during our date I could take Lindsey to the warehouse."

Careful, you don't want to be just throwing out promises like that.

"We might have time after we stop by my hair stylist's. I have to get a trim for the photo shoot tomorrow, but after that I'm all yours Lin...whoops...was that expensive?"

Whoops? WHOOPS? Judging by the suddenly ferocious clench my wife has on my arm you are SOOOOO dead. Even with her mouth hanging open like that my wife is stunning. And wait till she really gets worked up. Once, we were questioning this suspect and she made him cry...it was so cool.

"Umm it's still good. A little glue and BAM your Chihuahua is just fine. See? All the pieces are still here, I'll pick them up for you..._**crunch**_...oops."

Kid if you value your life, back away from the Chihuahua.

"I...I...I'm REALLY sorry. I'll buy you another one, I promise."

Oh no. Baby, I hate it when your bottom lip shakes like that. Don't cry honey, I'll fix it. And I'll start by hurting the little Chihuahua killer. That's if my daughter doesn't kill him first.

"Benji! I can't believe you did that! Its okay Mom, I know it was your favorite. But Dad'll fix it. Right Dad? Benji, maybe it would be best if you left."

Of course I'll fix it Lindsey Bug. You and your Mom can count on me.

"But what about our date?"

Can't you see they're both distraught, what sort of unfeeling monster are you?!

"Date? DATE? How can you think of going out? God Benji, you're so insensitive!"

Kid, judging by Cath's glare you have about 30 seconds to get out of the house before she kicks your ass. And whilst seeing my wife open a can of whoop-ass on you holds a certain appeal, it really would be in your best interest to just mosey on outta here.

"Come on Mom. Me and Dad'll make you a hot chocolate, with extra marshmallows. That always makes me feel better. Dad can you get the marshmallows?"

Judging by the slam of the front door, Benji the psycho-stalker Chihuahua killer has left. And not a moment too soon. But I'll make it all better. That's what I'm here for.

"C'mere honey. It'll be okay I promise...did you notice I didn't say one word the entire time he was here? Isn't that something to be happy about?"

Hmm. Judging by the glare she's now sending my way it looks like she might have wanted me to stay silent a little longer. What? What'd I do? Where are you going?

I'll buy you another Chihuahua.

I'll buy you some more shoes.

I'll walk around naked? Cath? I'm gonna kill that kid! How did I get in trouble? Honey?

"Just get the marshmallows Gil."

The End :)


	5. Rule 5

Title: 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 5

Author: Me

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: PG

Content: Nothing bad. All very light and nice.

Summary: Rule FIVE!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged? Pretty please :P

Author's notes: Thanks heaps for the reviews, i really appreciate it :D

I have no beta. So all mistakes are entirely mine. (However I may take you up on your offer yellowvalley on chapter 7 if the offer's still open? :D)

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

**RULE FIVE:** I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

* * *

Believe it or not I've not always been the people person I am today.

"Cath?"

Nope. Took YEARS of painstaking work for me to become this comfortable around people

"CATH?"

Now, I'm not stupid. On occasion I've even been called somewhat intelligent, so I did learn a few things quite quickly. For example, when your wife turns around and asks if her butt looks big, do not, I repeat DO NOT take a step backwards to look. This is a piece of advice that should have been written somewhere...Like on the marriage certificate...Sort of like the consumer health warnings on a cigarette packet. Something like...

**'WARNING**: Glancing towards the rump of your wife when asked about its size causes wives to react irrationally. Where once your wife loved and cherished you, now your wife may begin to prefer you doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into your temple and a cricket stump jammed up your arse!'

A lot of good men have perished needlessly, not heeding the advice of their wiser married friends...Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm a people person. Matter a fact; I don't even use my tarantula as an avoidance tool anymore.

"CATH!?"

Good God, where is the woman when I need her, this is an emergency!

"Dad?"

It's okay Lindsey-Bug daddy's here. I can handle this.

"You just tell me all about it sweetie. What happened? Did you fall and scrape your knee?"

Where's the first aid kit? I can't remember! C'mon Gil, keep your head in a crisis. Think, where did you have it last...my minds gone blank...what sort of father am I?!

"I didn't..._sob_ ... fall dad."

Oh My God! You were PUSHED? Who was it? I'll make them pay. Vengeance will be mine!

"It was _sniff_ Tommy."

Tommy! I'll kill him!

"He _sniff_ asked me to sob go to the movies with him on Friday..."

I'll have him shot at dawn.

"...but then _sniff_ Vanessa heard from Marnie who told Kristy that Brad, her boyfriend, saw Tommy ask out Jessica on Wednesday a whole day after he'd already made a date with me!..._hiccup_"

Umm...so your knee's okay?

"I mean _sniff_ who does he think he is!"

He's a dead man walking that's who he is. Nobody makes my Lindsey-Bug cry her little heart out and lives to tell the tale.

"The only reason he asked her out is because on the wall in the boys bathroom, it says that Jessica went up to Clayman's Lookout with Ricky Parker."

How do you know what it says in the boy's bathroom?

"What a pig."

Say it sister!

"Men are scum!"

R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me!

"Thanks Dad. You really put me back on track."

That's right. We don't need no man to be happy.

"Uh huh, Tommy isn't good enough for me anyhow."

If you see you're mother downstairs tell her there's no rush anymore. Thanks to me our little Lindsey-Bug is once more, the happy, well-adjusted child we both know and love.

"Wait'll I tell Tommy that I'm going out with Eric on Thursday, he'll be soooooo jealous!"

What?

"Cath?"

Where is she, when I need her? In sickness and health...did that mean nothing to her?!

"And I'll wear that push-up bra that I bought at the mall last week, and then we'll see who's looking at old Jumbo Jugs Jessica."

Jumbo...Push-up...

"Cath?!"

I wanna hold my tarantula.

"CATH!?"

The End :)


	6. Rule 6

Title: 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 6

Author: Me

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: PG

Content: Nothing too horrible, some slight insinuations.

Summary: Rule SIX!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged? Pretty please :P

Author's notes: Howdy all! :) Just wanna say thanks a bunch for the awesome reviews. I'm glad you're enjoying it, and that apparently I'm not the only one with a weird sense of humour :P

I have no beta. So all mistakes are entirely mine.

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

**RULE SIX:** It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

* * *

My wife is sooooo beautiful.

"Gil?"

She could be a movie star if she wanted to.

"Gil?"

Those eyes, those lips, that body...

"Gil!"

Hmm?

"GIL! Quit looking at my ass and come over there? Heh, she's the boss. I wonder if she meant that how it sounded.

"Can you reach the cans on the top shelf? I want to use the...Gil? Those cans you're holding aren't on the top shelf."

Honey, from where I'm standing these cans are top shelf all the way. _Snicker_ I've heard the lab tech's talk about the high quality of your...er...cans.

"Now Gil, we can't. We have to leave for work in half an hour you can't just _Ooof_...er...can't just lift me up, throw me on the table and have your...watch the flour ohhhhh ... have your... hmmmmmmm lower ..._gasp_ oh god...have your wicked way with me?"

I thought you'd never ask.

"Oh Gil..."

Oh Cath.

DING DONG

Oh crap!

Ignore them, I bet they give up real easily and go away. No don't get up its okay look they've already gon...

DING DONG

Good Lord! Can't a man ravage his wife on the kitchen table anymore without being on honey let's get rid of whomever's at the door and then I'll help you get the cans again. Er...maybe you'd better walk in front.

DING DONG

"What?!"

Well? What do you want?

"Er...Mr Grissom? I'm Stanley..."

Yes? ...and?

"Stanley Beasley. It's nice to meet you."

Pleasure's all mine. Go away.

"Umm...I'm here to pick up Lindsey?"

...I see...are those sequins on your pants?

Cath, aww don't invite him in. No, but...Where are you going? Lindsey knows how to get downstairs. Whaddya mean 'be nice'? But honey...what about the cans? Come baaaack...

"Soooo...Mr Grissom? ...Looking forward to the Olympics? What's your favourite event?"

Well Cath and I have always been partial to wrestling.

"I like the trampoline gymnastics."

Me too.

"And the synchronized swimming, how they get they're hair to stay in one piece amazes me. I'm an apprentice hairdresser, did Lindsey tell you?"

No, but it explains a lot.

"That's where we met, I was just washing Mrs Belducci's hair in the basin one day, when I looked over and saw the most beautiful, voluptuous.."

Careful.

"...head of hair I've ever seen in my entire life. And I knew right then and there that I just had to see your daughter again, so I asked her out. We're going to the mall and over dinner we're gonna talk hair products."

Sounds exciting...quit following me!

"I looooove to talk, you may have noticed I'm a bit of a chatterbox? I mean I'll talk about anything. Hair products, movies, shopping, NSync...ahh fabulous dining room, I love all the knickknacks on the shelves, oooooh is that a porcelain poodle statue? How cute!"

For the love of god, don't touch that! Cath still hasn't forgiven me for the last porcelain dog tragedy...and it wasn't even my fault!

"So tell me a little about yourself Mr Grissom, Lindsey hasn't mentioned what you do for a living. My Dad works on the strip, he's one of the dancers at Circus Circus."

Your Dad's a showgirl?

"Oh wow, I love you're kitchen, it's so...Ooopsy looks like you've spilled some flour on the table."

Ooopsy?

"Did something fall in it? You know that shape kinda looks like a..."

**Riiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiing**

"Want me to get that, it's right here next to me? No don't worry; I've got it, Mr Grissom. Hello Grissom residence, Stanley speaking...Stanley...Stanley Beasley?...I'm a friend of Lindsey's...no he's right here, cleaning up the flour...I'm not sure, looks to me like something fell in it...well from the shape it left I'd have to say it was a..."

For crying out loud, gimme that.

"Hmmm? ...I beg your pardon! ...Oh...well hang on Mr Brass I'll tell him. Mr Grissom? He wants you and a Cath at 32 Dartmouth Circle urgently, apparently he has a...umm...stiff... there he wants to show you?"

That isn't as dirty as it sounds. Move out the way I need to get in that drawer.

"What line did you say you were in again Mr Grissom? Hmm, sorry what Mr Brass? ...Cath? Oh Mrs Grissom? She's upstairs with Lindsey I think...tell her to bring what? ...a glass of squirrel urine, a raincoat and a roll of duct tape...I see...yes I'll tell her Mr Brass. Goodbye...Interesting fellow that Mr Brass...Is that a gun?"

Wow, apprentice hairdresser and Mensa graduate. Only took one look and you knew right off it was a gun. Cath, thank God you're back, and look who's still here. 'Be Nice' indeed!

"Stanley? Lindsey will be right down. Gil honey, you'll need bullets with that."

Doh! Bullets...where'd I put the bullets? Cath?

"They're on the shelf, next to your tarantula, right where you left them. Stanley, would you like something to drink?"

Oh yeah. I remember now...ummmm...where's my holster? God I hate wearing this thing. I wear it facing the back and it pokes me in the ass, but if I wear it at the front, I spend all shift worried I'm gonna shoot off a vital piece of equipment. Why can't they give us those neat little shoulder holsters?

"Ummm...listen I don't want to be a bother, perhaps I should meet Lindsey at the mall."

Whatever...can you hold my tarantula; I need to get behind him to reach my bullets.

"Don't be silly Stanley, your not a bother at all, is he Gil?"

Not at all. I've had prostate exams less intrusive than you.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

What? He's not gonna kill you...probably. _Heh_! Whoops. Don't worry I'll get him.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!"

Quit jumping about will you, and stop that high pitch squealing, you're scaring him.

"Dad?"

Ohh hey Lindsey-Bug, well don't you look pretty?

"OH MY GOD! I'm sorry Lindsey, but I have to go, I'm not feeling very well all of a sudden...Gun's, squirrel urine, tarantula's...I'll call you...maybe."

**SLAM**

Hmmmm, high-strung young lad isn't he? What? Cath? What are you looking at? Oh come on, you CAN'T blame me for this one! I didn't have anything to do with this one! Where are you going? Well don't chase after him...at least put a coat on before you run outside, your er, cans, will get cold...Okay well if you catch him tell him we have marshmallows if he wants a calming cup of hot chocolate?

"Dad?"

Sorry Lindsey-Bug, looks like I've done it again...ummmm...want a hot chocolate?

"I know this is probably the wrong thing to focus on at the moment, but I have to ask..."

If it's about the squirrel urine, you'll have to ask you're Uncle Brass.

"Why does Mom have flour all over her butt?"

The End :)


	7. Rule 7

Title: **10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter- Rule 7**

Author: Me Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P

Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic

Rating: I'd say PG but since that's probably patented or something I'll say that anyone over the age of 8 can probably read this :)

Content: Nothing too horrible, some slight insinuations.

Summary: Rule SEVEN!

Spoilers: None

Archive: Sure, please let me know though so that I can tell everyone how cool I am.

Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)

Feedback: Would it help if I begged? Pretty please :P

Author's notes: I'm baaaaaak :P

I have no beta. So all mistakes are entirely mine.

Copyright to Fatcat 2004

* * *

**Rule SEVEN:**  
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a  
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

* * *

"I knew you'd say that."

Huh? Knew I'd say what? All I said was….hi.

"I'm psychic you see…so I knew you'd say that."

You knew I'd say hi?

"Not many people believe in the supernatural powers of an advanced extrasensory mind like mine."

…what?

"I know you don't believe I'm psychic….know HOW I know?"

Because you're psychic?

"Because I'm psychic."

Oh yeah, you're a regular Madam Zelda alright. Cath we're not gonna let Lindsey out with this kid are we?

"I can do a reading for you if you like? I usually wouldn't but because you're Lindsey's Dad I'm willing to make an exception just this once."

You're too kind.

"You'll have to relax though or I won't be able to finish your reading before we leave for our date."

Our date? Err…it's all so sudden. I don't even know your name.

"We'll just pick up some fast food on the way to the cemetery."

Hmmm….As lovely as that sounds, I think I'm going to have to pass. Besides it would never have worked out. You see, I love my wife and you're…weird. Maybe you could get Lindsey to introduce you to her friend Stanley though?

"Now, I can either do your cards or read your aura."

Is there a third option?

"Sometimes I've been known to use a palm or two."

_Snicker_ That doesn't surprise me in the least.

"You have a very interesting aura though, it's all green and…swishy."

Swishy?

"Isn't that interesting Gil honey, Lindsey never told us her date was psychic? And just what does green and swishy mean Bob?"

Bob?... Bob the psychic?...Psychic Bob? Heh. Doesn't exactly make you want to ring the psychic network does it?

"Well it could mean you've had sex recently."

Hey, maybe you are psychic. Of course maybe you just saw how hot my wife is and figured any sane man would try and get her into bed every chance he got.

"But this time, with the swishy part and all, it probably means your going to die…sorry."

You're new at this aren't you?

"I see an anvil."

An anvil?

"I see an evil adversary chasing you."

Evil adversary?...and an anvil? Is there an ACME rocket anywhere nearby?

"I see a long deserted road and a showdown in the desert."

Cath! Wile E. Coyote is gonna kill me in the desert with an anvil! What? Don't give me that sultry disbelieving look, you heard what Psychic Bob said.

"Wait."

What?

"Wait."

WHAT?

"Are you a Leo?"

…what?

"Cos if you're a Leo, then yeah it's the sex thing."

Soooooo…no anvil?

"Ewww Dad I don't know which is worse, thinking you're gonna be killed by an anvil, or thinking that you and Mum have…you know…sex."

Awwww jeez Lindsey-Bug you can't just say words like that in front of a boy.

"Mom, can I borrow your flashlight…for our date? I might need it at the cemetery."

He's taking you to the cemetery…On a first date? Don't you think that might be rushing things a little?

"Now don't go freaking out or anything Dad."

I didn't take you're mother to the cemetery until we'd worked together 2 months. Now that may seem a little old fashioned to your generation but I think it's only common sense to get to know someone a little before letting them take you anywhere with dead bodies.

"We're not doing anything weird out there honest Mr Grissom. I just want to contact my dead Aunt Ethel. I can talk to the deceased you see."

Sure, I took her to a morgue the day after we met, but I swear it was work related.

"Why you should just listen to my friend Walter. He died in World War 2. Got kicked in the head by a mule. The man never shuts up."

I mean of course I was attracted to her even then, who wouldn't be? The way she wore her rubber gloves, the way her teeth shone under ultra-violet light, the smell of formaldehyde in the air. It was like cupid was there pushing us together from the start.

"Actually he tried to warn me about coming here, but you're hardly the gun totting psychopathic father he was making you out to be."

Yes, well I've been working on the gun totting part.

"Yep, we'll just pick up some McDonalds on the way and then go and see Aunt Ethel, right Lindsey?"

What?

"Uh oh. He didn't mean that Dad."

Pick up some what?

"I'm sure he meant a restaurant named McDonalds, right Bob?"

Are you crazy? I'm not letting you take my daughter to a place like that!

"Err…no. Actually I thought we could pick up a happy meal, grab our shovels and Lindsey, Walter and I can go see Aunt Ethel. Why?"

Why? Why? Psychic Bob wants to know WHY?

"Ohh wow your aura just went an interesting shade of periwinkle."

You want to take my daughter to that…that…den of evil deeds.

"Is there a problem with McDonalds?"

That vile hole of depravity? Run by an immoral money hungry pack of thugs?

"Ronald and the cheese-burglar?"

You've heard of them then?

"Dad had an…incident…at McDonalds when he was a boy. He doesn't like to talk about it."

And you just want to waltz my little Lindsey-Bug through the doors and order a happy meal? Hear that Cath? What is the world coming to when a man has to worry about his daughter being taken to McDonalds on date?

"Yes well sure I can see why, we just won't go to McDonalds then, we'll go to….KFC. Walter and I love KFC."

…what?

"Ummm…Pizza Hut?...Quick Walter say something before this gets awkward."

Lindsey-Bug you are not leaving the house with this boy! He actually believes he can hear a dead guy talking to him.

"Walter! You apologise right this instant to Mr Grissom!"

…What'd he say? Was it about my shirt, Cath picked it out you know.

"Err…Linds can your father and I have a chat with you…in the kitchen?"

"Walter!"

What's he saying? It's about my shirt isn't it? I knew it was too tight, but Cath was naked when she asked me to wear it and…well you know. Heh.

"Umm perhaps we'd better just call it a night and try this again next full moon Lindsey? Walter's getting rather rambunctious and once he starts…well you know how it is. Walter if you don't hush!"

Oh? You're leaving?...So soon?

"Yep, I think we'd better…Walter I swear to God…we can visit with Aunt Ethel another day. Walter! He doesn't have a gun, and even if he did what's he going to do to you?...I'm so very sorry about this I don't know what's gotten into him, he's been like this all day. I'm really very…WALTER!"

Okay, now no one can blame this one on me. Right Cath…Lindsey-Bug? This guy was nuts before he got here. I didn't pull my gun, I haven't made him hold my tarantula, I didn't even say anything when he said he was going to take my little Lindsey-Bug to McDonalds. So when he scurries out the door it's all the dead guys fault right? I'm not going to have to run down to the store for extra marshmallows? Make any apologetic calls in the morning?

"Yes, well we'll be off, I'm so very sorry about this. I just don't know what's come over him. I'll call you Lindsey."

What? Why are you all looking at me like that? He left on his own, you heard him. Why are you going to the kitchen?

What?

...Do you think Walter's still here? Is that it? Where?

Walter?

Seriously I didn't pick this shirt I liked the blue one…

Walter?...

Guys? Wait for me I'll ahh I'll get the mugs.

"Hey Cath, do you think dead guys can carry anvils?"

* * *

The End :)


	8. Rule 8

_**10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter  
by Me**_

Category: Comedy/Fluff (hopefully) :P OOC  
Pairing: Gil/Cath, Family Fic  
Rating: Trainee  
Content: Nothing bad. All very light and nice.  
Summary: Rule Eight!  
Spoilers: None  
Archive: Sure why not :)  
Disclaimer: Don't own nuthin :)  
Feedback: Please, oh please, oh please :P  
Author's notes: Well it's about DAMN TIME! Heh. Oops. Sorry 'bout the delay. Twas just a dramatic pause between chapters?...I'll do better I I wasn't entirely sure about the plural form of the word knickers, is it pair of knickers, pairs of knickers etc, so please excuse all knicker related grammatical errors. :P  
I can't afford a beta. So all mistakes are entirely mine.  
Copyright to Fatcat 2004 8

RULE EIGHT: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

"Gil? This is Theodore"

Snicker Theodore.

"Say hello Gil."

Ohhh now I'm allowed to talk to Lindsey-Bug's date, but before? When I was cleaning my gun?

"Hello...Theo."

See calm, friendly...

"Actually Gil, I prefer Theodore."

...well sure I can see why. So manly...

"Actually THEODORE I prefer MR GRISSOM."

Shmuck.

"Ooookay...Gil honey? I'm just heading upstairs to help Linds get ready. You guys'll be okay together? Alone? Together?...Alone?"

Ohh absolutely, we'll be buddies before you know it. I may even show him where we keep the tarantula.

"Maybe you could both grab a hot chocolate in the kitchen.

Sure, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll choke on the marshmallows.

"...although there are the knives..."

Or there's that...what? I'm kidding. Relax babe like I'd use one of our knives to kill someone, what am I, a rookie?

"Okay then...I'll just be upstairs with Linds...within shouting distance...I'm just going up the stairs now..."

I know, I'm watching intently...my wife's got just the bestest butt...sigh we need more stairs around here.

"...I won't be far...you'll holler if anything happens?"

Sure.

"Theodore?"

If he's able.

"Okay...well...bye...it was nice meeting you Theodore...hopefully we'll um see you again."

He'll be here when you come down Cath. You don't have to say goodbye like he's going to mysteriously disappear, never to be seen again, except maybe on a milk carton it's probably best that you get your goodbyes in now...

"So...THEODORE..."

Maybe I should call his parents and find out why they hate their child.

"...how do you prefer your hot chocolate?"

I mean, there must be a reason they named him Theodore.

"Actually Gi..."

Ah?

"...Mr Grissom...I don't drink hot chocolate. I don't ingest sugars of any type actually. I absolutely refuse to have sugar in my diet. I have great discipline. Do you know what a high sugar diet will do to you? That stuff'll kill you."

...I know something that'll kill you faster.

"Do you think Lindsey will be much longer? We have reservations."

Don't whine, it's unbecoming. Besides the wait for tables at Burger King can't be that long.

"I mean why's she taking so long? It can't be that hard to slap on some lipstick, throw on a bra and we should be out the door already."

I'd try very hard never to mention my daughter and her bra in the same sentence if I were you...very VERY hard.

"We men on the other hand can be ready in seconds."

Speak for yourself, I exfoliate.

"What could possibly take so long?"

My pores clog otherwise.

"Do we men spend hours choosing our clothes?"

I'm married, Cath won't let me choose my own clothes anymore.

"Do we feel the need to wax? To pluck the hairs from our bodies by the ROOT?"

Cath says it's to makes my eyebrows look even.

"And shall we discuss the bubble bath? What possible scientific reason is there for a bubble bath? Is it cleaner, faster, easier than any other washing method? No!"

The bubbles tickle my nose. Hee.

"Then there are the various hair products that MUST be used before leaving the house."

Tell me Theodore, are we on the debate team per chance?

"The hair straightener."

Running for class president?

"Shampooing conditioner that enhances colour, height and balance!? Balance?"

Would you want unbalanced hair?

"Then there's the makeup?"

A telemarketer? Right? Am I right?

"Lipstick. Blush. Eyeliner."

You do realise you did just squealed 'eyeliner' at the top of your lungs don't you?

"Knickers."

Knickers?

"Every woman must have 60 different pair's of knickers. Do you own 60 pairs of knickers?"

I don't believe I own any knickers at all.

"What does a girl need SIXTY pairs of knickers for?"

Could you please stop saying knickers, it's starting to get weird?

"I have two pair of knickers. Two pair of knickers. How many knickers do you have?"

You have some sort of weird Tourette's syndrome that causes you too loudly shriek the word knickers don't you?

"You couldn't have more than 4 pair of knickers, am I right? Just 4 pair of knickers?"

DING DONG

"You know who that is at the door don't you Mr Grissom? It's the neighbours. They've come around to see why no one has left the house in three days. Let me answer it, I'll let them know it's because we've been waiting down here while the girls choose !"

Hey Brass.

"Did he just call me Knickers?"

He must really like you.

"One of Lindsey's dates?"

Uh huh.

"Hoping for a stroke."

You betcha.

"Does Cath know that he randomly yells the word knickers at police officers?"

Actually voices carry in this house so I image Cath and Linds are both getting snatches of our like, 'Bubble bath...EYELINER...knickers...knickers...knickers...KNICKERS...KNICKERS!'

I firmly believe the only reason they haven't raced down the stairs on the off chance that Theodore and I have been involved in some sort of underwear related injury is that they're both laughing too hard to manage the stairs.

"You're with the police? So tell me officer..."

Oh lord.

"How many pairs of knickers do you own?"

Don't look at me, Cath said I'm not allowed to throw them out anymore.

"Listen kid, whatever you may have heard. I don't wear women's underwear! Damn that Greg and his stupid limericks!"

Hee. There once was a man named Brass...

"I'd say you don't own more than 4 pairs of knickers. Am I right? Actually looking at you I'd be stunned if you owned more than one pair."

If I can't shoot him, you can't shoot him.

"See that's the problem with women today. Knickers!"

What else could it possibly be?

""Why does he keep yelling out the word knickers?"

A previously undiagnosed case of Tourette's.

"He's weird."

Why would you say that?

"KNICKERS!"

Oh that.

"Aww man look at the time, now I'm gonna have to call Bernie's Salad Shack and have them move our reservations back."

Bernie's Salad Shack? Classy.

"An hour and 17 minutes I've been waiting. An HOUR and 17 minutes!"

Is that all? Feels longer.

"Dad?"

Oh hey there Lindsey-Bug, well don't you look pretty.

"Well look who's FINALLY here. Did you two ladies get everything sorted? Mr Grissom and I were just having a nice conversation."

Are you winking at me?

"Hair okay now? Shoe emergencies sorted?"

Seriously stop with the winking. We are not in cahoots.

"Makeup done? All showered? BUBBLE-BATHED?"

...what is a cahoot?

"KNICKERS?!"

Here we go again.

"Gil? Honey? A word?"

What'd I do?

"You do realise that we've lost our reservations at Bernie's Salad Shack don't you? Because of your knickers!"

Brass, do me a favour? I've changed my mind, if he says the word knickers one more time...shoot him.

"I hope you and your knickers are happy?!"

Aim low, and watch the carpet.

"Gil...?"

Don't ask babe, you'll be better off in the long run.

"You know what? Forget it! You've lost your chance. I'm leaving! Don't try and stop me, I've made my decision."

Quick make some room for the boy. Let me help you with your coat. Brass be a pal and get the door.

"Yep, you and your knickers have lost their chance with me. I had it all planned. We were going to take a brisk walk down to Bernie's Salad Shack and have a garden salad. I wasn't even going to mention anything if you wanted a LARGE one. Then we were going to hire a couple mountain bikes and cycle 10 or 15 miles around the lake and congratulate ourselves with a wheat-germ smoothie. But NO, this ship has sailed."

Son, my daughter eats chocolate covered sugar-puffs for breakfast. This relationship was doomed from the start. But I agree it's better to end things now. Less pain that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure having you in the family would have been great! Like have the hair ripped off my right testicle by electrical tape.

"Before I go, Lindsey let me give you some advice."

Come on kid, two more steps and you're out the door...just two tiny little steps.

"Something to better yourself as a person."

I can already tell this is going to be deep and meaningful.

"Never have more than 4 pairs of knickers."

...Hmmm cryptic.

"Good day to you!"

...Brass, you staying for a hot chocolate? All that talk of wheat-grass is making me crave sugar.

"Well that was a little weird."

That was nothing, you should have been here for the one that broke Cath's porcelain dog. Or the mobster one. Or even the other one, the one who kept squealing, what was his name again? Steven? Simpson? Or the kid who was in a cult...

"Gil..."

Cath...Babe... I'd just like to point out that I have a witness this time. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong to make this one leave. Brass, back me up on this?

"Why didn't you guys throw him out? He's a fruit cake."

HEY! You told me I'm not allowed! This is entirely YOUR fault. I didn't even want our little Lindsey-Bug dating until she's at least 35. But then you gave me the pouty face and...Why are you smiling. Don't you give me that sexy 'come hither' smile and expect all to be forgiven. Had I known I was allowed to toss this one out the door like a lawn dart...hey, keep your hands to yourself woman! I'm trying to make a point here...did you know I can see down your top when you lean against me like that?

"Mom?...Dad?...Never mind, I'll get the marshmallows."

Cath you have just the bestest marshmal...

"Griss?...Cath?...Wait up Linds, I'll grab the mugs...it's a wonder you aren't scarred for life the way those two behave. Actually it's a wonder I'M not scarred for life the way those two behave. When you're older, remind me to tell you about the Christmas party. Which reminds me, do you have any cream for the hot chocolate?"

How does the Christmas party remind you of...oh yeah...the lunch room. I warned you Cath, egg nog makes me frisky...

The End!


End file.
